


Here Among the Stars

by rosycheeked



Series: Second Message [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Trailer, Emotional Infidelity, Love Confessions, M/M, Monologue, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark is a sap, but he doesn't get one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-10-03 03:17:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17276078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosycheeked/pseuds/rosycheeked
Summary: “If I’d told you, Steve, told you before today, would you have told it to me back? Would you have kissed me? Or would you have turned me away with that sad little smile, the sincerity in your gaze, the regret—it kills me, sometimes, how honest you are. Except when it counted most.”Or, Tony makes a second recording. To Steve.





	Here Among the Stars

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!
> 
> It was an accident, I swear, I just—watched the trailer one too many times and the feels just wouldn't stop.
> 
> So I wrote a fic in the wrong fandom. Whoops. I promise Drarry is still my OTP. But Stony...I mean, just look at my bookmarks and you'll understand.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> E

Tony clicked off the recording to Pepper. This should be it; he should be done. That recording was his sense of finality, his last words. It was the call he never got to make years ago, in New York, when he—

Never mind. The point was, if everything was tied up and spoken for, what was this weight on his shoulders, still? Why did he feel like he’d just been cut loose, instead?

And he knew it was useless, wondering to himself when he already knew all the answers.

Even an idiot could tell you exactly what was on Tony’s mind right now. Or rather, who. Because it always came back to him, didn’t it? Back to—

“Steve. I- I, dammit, I knew I should’ve planned this first.”

Tony never knew the right thing to say, with him.

“Look. I’m in space, I’m gonna die, yadda yadda. It’s not your fault, somehow you always make yourself think it’s your fault. It’s not, Steve, ‘cause remember that big crazy purple dude? Yeah, him? He got what he wanted, didn’t he? And I know you tried your best to stop him. So did I, Steve, so did we all.

“And did it work? No. We failed, Steve, you and I and everyone who has- well, _had_ , the world on their shoulders…we lost. We keep losing. And if I’m sorry for anything, I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry that we weren’t—that I wasn’t—strong enough to get my shit together. You’ve already lost so much, and I’m just sorry that I’ve lost you, too.

“Mind you, I’m not sorry for the things I said,” Tony laughed bitterly, “well, maybe some of it. But I’m not sorry for being myself. Do you remember what I said to you, so long ago? It feels like forever, but really, Steve? I don’t think I’ll forget it till the day I die. Oh, wait—that’s today. Or tomorrow. 

“I don’t think it matters anymore. Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist? That’s the Tony Stark I thought I knew. The Tony Stark I was.

“You know what happened to him, Steve? He met you. Tony fucking Stark meets Steve Rogers, Captain America and paragon of virtue and perfection. But it turns out he wasn’t as perfect as he’d been made out to be—which made him all the more goddamn wonderful. Because this man, who I had grown up to stories about, who was supposed to be this perfect soldier, well, the joke was on me, Steve.

“He wasn’t a perfect soldier after all. He has his flaws. He has a heart, and he wears it on his fucking sleeve. You aren’t the perfect soldier, Steve. Under all that? You’re just a good man.

“What was I supposed to do with that? I was lost, I was broken, and worst of all? I was afraid. Afraid of you, of disappointing you. I suppose that it’s rather stupid of me to tell you this now that I’ve done worse than disappointed you. I’ve messed up, Steve. Look, I’ve matured! I’m admitting my mistakes.

“But so have you, Steve, you’ve messed up, too. And we got stuck in those mistakes. Jesus, I sound so cliché, but—I was too blind to see what was right in front of me. A man just as flawed, just as broken, feeling just as responsible for the death, and the pain, of others, as me.

“And when I saw it? It was too late. Now look, Steve, the world’s crashing down around us. The world’s in ruins. You’re like me, sure, but in the end, you’re the better man. And there are no second chances for people like me.

“There are no more chances for any of us.” Tony took a shaky breath in, and let it out. He felt light-headed, and for the first time in days he knew it wasn’t from lack of oxygen.

“So here’s my last chance, Steve, here are my last words. I’m giving them to you, because—“

Oh god, oh god, oh god. He’d just told Pepper that he loved her, and he did, he loved her, but never like he’d loved Steve. Because Steve was—he was everything. Tony loved Steve like he loved...air, or food, or engineering; and when Tony Stark loves, he loves with his entire being.

If any day were the day for courage, Tony would pick today. He’d always been selfish, anyway.

“It’s because I’m in love with you.”

There, he had done it. 

“Yes, I know I’m a hypocrite and an idiot. I’ve been in love with you since- since that day when you came into my workshop, after New York, after everything. And you came in, quiet as all hell, and sat on my couch with your sketchbook in hand. You drew DUM-E, of all things. Handed me the sketch and said, ‘Sorry for everything, Tony, want a sandwich?’

“You fucking _had me at hello_. I don’t think we watched that movie. Shit. You- you would smile, you would laugh, and I felt happier than I’d ever been, when I was with you. Stupid. I’ve become such a sap.

“But Steve, Steve, Steve. You found what you’d lost, and suddenly you weren’t as broken anymore. You weren’t the Steve I knew, the Steve who was sarcastic and laughed easily and kept me company after my nightmares to chase them away. You became driven, haunted, unstoppable.

“You’d found what you’d lost, and in the process, I lost you.

“Have you ever wanted something more than anything in the world? In that moment, your shield in my chest, I wished that I could have turned back time, just for a moment. It was irrational, I knew, to wish for a chance to tell you I loved you before everything went wrong, before you lied to me, before you betrayed everything you ever promised me.

“So I wished I could see your face one more time, that mid-laugh smile that only happened when you really felt like yourself, when you felt free—I never told you, but in those moments you looked so young, so carefree; I forget, sometimes, how young you are.

“I just wanted to see that smile that I loved, because even when you’d betrayed me, left me behind for another, lied to me, lost me—I still loved you. You were beautiful in your desperation. If it’s possible, I love you even more now that I’ve lost you.

“Look at me now,” Tony gestured to himself: frail limbs, rattling lungs, a failing body. “Hey, at least I’ve told you. My one-liners could always use some work. What was it I said? You told me, ‘He’s my friend,’ and I said, ‘So was I.’”

Steve might be the one with the impeccable memory, but Tony would never, ever forget that day. It was the worst day of his life. And that was awful of him to say, because his parents had died, Jarvis (and JARVIS) had died, and oh god, the Snap (Peter, dying in his arms, Tony powerless to save him)—but it was still true, in the end. That day was really the worst day of his life.

“And God, do I wish I was more than that. If I’d told you, Steve, told you before today, would you have told it to me back? Would you have kissed me? Or would you have turned me away with that sad little smile, the sincerity in your gaze, the regret—it kills me, sometimes, how honest you are. Except when it counted most.

“If I’d told you, could we have prevented all this? The war, and the fallout, and the death, and the loss? Doesn’t matter now, I suppose. ‘Cause I took the coward’s way out. I told you now. When I know there won’t be any consequences. For me, anyway.

“I hope you save the world, Cap, like you always do. I know you will, because you’ve done it before. The only thing you ever needed me for was, well—look, I could make a joke, but I’m dying, so I’ll spare you. Good luck, Steve. You don’t need it, but here it is anyway. 

“Here among the stars, I may be dreaming of Pepper, but I’ll always be wishing for you.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all liked it! Comments and suggestions always make my day.
> 
> E


End file.
